month six

i met a sheepish blond fellow in the suburbs of chicago. i was sleepy as hell. this is the first thing he claims to have noticed about me, "those weary eyes." the summer had obliterated me, but it was perfect all the same. at the end of it, i was leaving new york behind, yet again. camp had ended. we had spent an epic night at the mean fiddler in manhattan, then jake & i packed the remnants of our lives into his red grand am, headed west, explored america, slept on the sides of highways, got lost in cornfields, ate a lot of subway sandwiches, found some grody beaches, ended up in michigan. i took the train to chicago from kalamazoo after a week camping out of north manitou island. we had ferried out & spent a glorious while within lake michigan climbing the sleeping bear dunes & downing mass amounts of yukon jack. zac picked me up at union station as an exhausted shell of who he left me in the new york mountains as. his friend andrew was waiting for us when we arrived in elgin. i spent only a week in those illinois suburbs. this summer was a messy one & i wasnt really down for what was to follow. but all the same, it followed. he paid attention to me though i dont know why. we should have left it that. it was all so indistinct. the beers, the board games, the bingo halls. middle america was wonderful for awhile. i booked a flight to phoenix. i had to go home; i hadnt seen seattle in months. we all agreed on the diner & drank the last night away. when everyone else passed out around zacs house, andrew & i were still on the porch. the sun was coming up over this bizarre suburb. it was a really unspectacular sunrise, i should add, but we watched it. he held on to me, & he told me in his gravelly voice he had developed some sort of crush on me. damnit. youre driving me to the airport in a few hours! brian stormed the porch just then demanding pancakes. i never felt so nervous. then he drove me to the airport. i hugged zac goodbye & then i hugged andrew goodbye. from the tarmac i received, i fell in love with you when you held my hand as you walked away in my inbox. i know, i know. he picked up extra shifts & within a few weeks he touched down in seattle-tacoma international airport.

maybe that weekend was where this lovely story should have ended, but it wasnt. he spent a few days in seattle, & no one knew. when they found out, it was hell. his parents, my exboyfriend, his exgirlfriend, zac. but none of that mattered while he was here. i guess it doesnt matter now. we are weak & we wanted more.

the pinnacles of our relationship existed in airports. ohare, sky harbor, seatac, detroit, jfk, stewart. all of that, in transit. if i had to rewrite this story, id never write him off completely. i just wouldnt have let it go on for this long, punishing each other for a distance that was there from the moment i met him.

i could go on & on & on. but that wouldnt change tonight, or august, or october, or whatever else could come of this, if anything at all. thats all. no complaints, no worries. goodnight.